Cutting

People tend to think that cutters cut themselves because they are stupid, attention-seeking, and/or masochistic. That is true for probably quite a bit of cases. However, the only ones that they know about are the ones they see. My friend said, "None of my friends have ever cut themselves." I looked at him and laughed. He had no idea and I was not going to destroy his perception.

Why do I cut?

I want everything to just stop. I want time to freeze, the pain to stop, the noise to die. How ironic, I cut to stop pain. Isn't that funny? Psychologists say that cutting is used as a coping mechanism because people sometimes feel like it releases a sense of soothing over them. That is probably true. It is rather disgusting that when I am crying I just think, "I want my razor." How pathetic is that? 

Sometimes, I just wish I could freeze everything and just fall into a deep black pit where I can curl up and stop thinking. I was on the car on the way to send my brother to college for the first time. I was curled up under a huge sweatshirt, Paul's sweatshirt. My parents started yelling at me. I was a failure again, a worthless piece of s***, a wasted investment. I was just wasting tuition money and time. They wanted Casey, Caley, Amy, Cathie, anyone to be their daughter. I was a failure as a teenager, useless, and not worth their time. They don't know I try so hard. They didn't know that my math grade slipped because we had a math test. We usually got only 2 tests a semester and there's 2 semesters at my school. I had not been sleeping or eating all week. I was just trying to make myself live. I got a 58. I wasn't remotely surprised. I wasn't dead and that's all I really cared about. They yelled at me over and over again. I had been studying all summer. It's not like I can change my grades now but I'm trying my best for next year. I know I failed. I know already. I'm still trying though. I'm trying to learn 6 languages on my own now before college. I want to have hope for the future. I can't tell them though because it's my own goal, I don't need their help. 

I covered my head with the hoodie of the jacket and I cried for an hour until we got to Duke. I was texting my friend and he was responding every couple seconds. He was telling me that I can't cut myself, I can't die, that I have to keep trying. We got to Duke and I was still crying. My parents and my brother unloaded the car. I had a razor in my book-bag. I kept it with me everywhere. It gives me the choice of whether to do it or not. I want to choose not and I'd like to think I usually do. However, it is much easier to cut the scars isn't it? 

My dad got in the car and started yelling at me for not shutting up and stop crying. He saw me texting again and he grabbed my cell phone away. He stormed out. I didn't know what to do. I wanted it to stop. I wanted the stress to stop. I wanted the pain to stop, the disappointment to end. Quickly, I dug a line on my arm. It was bleeding fast enough. There wasn't blood coming out. For the first time, I cut my wrist. The blood came out really quickly and incessantly. I kept cutting over and over again wanting the blood to come. I just wanted to bleed because then the pain would stop. That's stupid I know but sometimes I cannot help but wish that it was true and hope that it comes true. I wanted to hurt myself, I just wanted everything to end. Don't get me wrong. I didn't want to die. The cuts were really shallow. I just wanted to mute everything, shut the world off. I'm a coward and a weakling. I should try to get stronger. 

I just started laughing in the car, over and over again, nonstop laughing. I could kill myself right here and I wasn't going to. The whole thing just seemed so stupid. My dad came in and yelled at me for crying. It is so funny how laughing and cry sound so similar. I had my arm raised, just staring at the blood flowing down my arm. He didn't know what to do so he just yelled at me, "Why don't you shut up? Why can't you just stop?" I just kept laughing. I said, "Why do just kill me then?" Still laughing. He was silent for a second and said, "What is freaking wrong with you? Shut up already, you are such an idiot." I just kept laughing. I said, "Give me back my phone and I'll stop." He unsurprisingly replied, "I will not give you back your f***ing phone." That phone was keeping me alive. It gave me the ability to get away from the hell of home, let me talk to people who cared for me. I should stop being so reliant on my friends and learn to rely on myself. I'm too dependent. 

I kept laughing and laughing. Then my mom got into the car and screamed. I couldn't stop laughing. She started crying, my dad started yelling. He was saying, "It's all your fault. You raised her like this. You fail as a mother. I had nothing to do with this. I just work." My mom was saying, "I'm sorry. It's all my fault. It's all my fault." It was so comical and so stupid. I said, "It isn't your fault? You had no part in this whatsoever?" He said, "No! It's all her fault." I just kept laughing and laughing and laughing. They didn't even think about how I the hell I cut myself. Both of them were silent. They never brought it up ever again. I can tell they are on tiptoes around me. They haven't yelled at me for a week, a new record. I hate that they do that. I wish I hadn't showed them that I cut but then again, I blatantly did it so can't change that. They did not need to know but it's a bit late, isn't it? I don't regret cutting my wrist, but I'm not happy that I did it either. I broke my promise with my friend. That's something I hate. I don't know if these cuts will leave a scar or not. I want them to fade, along with all my other ones. Only time will tell though. 

“If we hadn’t taken a wrong turn at that time, we would’ve remained as we were- ignorant to everything.” ~Ghost Hunt

Do you ever have those favorite songs?

     No matter how bad of a mood I am, I just need to listen to one song, just one song, and I cannot help but smile and feel happy for three minutes that it lasts. Then I just feel an even greater emptiness. Isn't that just pathetic? Its one of my friend's ringtones. Actually, I can't really call him a friend, more like an acquaintance. I'm horrendously attached to him and it is just horrible. I don't LIKE him. The one I like is his roommate. Why am I attached to him though? I only knew him for like what, a month? Now I just cannot wait to see him again whether it takes a month or a year. I want to see him and I want to feel safe. It is such a stupid feeling. I really don't understand it at all. He's five years older than me for frick's sake. He is a senior in college and I think about him every night and every day. I like HIM not this senior in college. I need to cling onto this belief. I need this to be affirmed and made clear. I don't want to live in this doubt and confusion. Hormones.... I really don't understand them at all. 

     His college is just thirty minutes car ride from my place. However, we barely know each other. I talk to him online occasionally. That is why I hate this feeling. I'm attached to a guy I BARELY KNOW. He likes sci-fi, he's insanely smart, he was the first person who invited to play an arcade game. I played my first racing game and shooting game with him. We played basketball at one of those weird arcade game hoops. Weird, yeah, but I couldn't help but laugh the whole time. 

     The guy I like is not him. I like his roommate, even if I never see that roommate again. I like him, he's the one who I have a crush on. Is it stupid arguing with myself? Ha. I'm such an idiot. His roommate, I'll call him Zane... Every time I hear his name I have stupid grin on my face and I hide my face because it's just so stupid. I see his picture and he makes me happy. Last time I saw him, he protected me and helped me every second. He's four years older than me. I'm a sixteen year old girl crushing on a twenty year old. Aren't I just stupid? Hormones.... I really don't get them.

     For now, I'll just listen to this song over and over again on repeat. Hear the rhythm and feel myself drowning in it.

"我面无表情看孤独的风景 

I watch the lonely scenery with an expressionless face

失去你　爱恨开始分明 

Having lost you, love and hate becomes clear

失去你　还有什么事好关心 

Having lost you, is there anything left to care about?" ~夜曲 Nocturne by 周杰倫

The future and Life?

     Well, this is my second post for the day. Wow. I don't know why I'm going to continue this but it makes me feel better just writing it out.


     I'm talking to my best friend and he's just glowing with his future, his life, and what he wants. I shouldn't but I cannot help but envy him. He knows what he wants. His philosophy: If I'm interested in it, I'm going to do what I can to learn about it. I envy that. I don't know what I want. I have thoughts about "I like..." but I have never had a real goal in mind. I have never pursued my likings. On the other hand, my friend (let's call him Nero), knows what he wants to do and knows about that topic in depth. He knows what college he wants, what he wants to major in, and where he wants to work. I cannot help but feel sad when I comment, "u are so freaking awesome." He wants to learn about computer security, learn how to guard against hackers. He has knowledge of criminal hackers and their techniques. He is my age and so different from me.


     What do I want to do? He asked me and I had no answer. My parents have always put down my requirements. What I learn, what classes I take, what books I read were all decided when I was small. Now they give me a choice, now I have choices. I don't what to choose. It is so...hard to decide and I hate this. Why can't I want something and strive for it like Nero? I'm interested in International Affairs. I'm learning German right now as a self study. I can't tell my parents though because if I do it'll just feel like I'm doing it for them all over again. I don't even know what people who major in International Affairs do. I don't even know how and when I'm ever going to use German. I just want to do something to pass the time. I'm such an idiot huh? College is only a couple years ahead of me. Life and the future... What does it mean?

“You’re only competing with yourself in this life… so if something blocks the path to your future, you just have to make another path around it because the end is still a long way ahead.” ~X-Days

So my first post

     Emo girl-A girl who typically dresses in black, likes hard rock and metal, cuts herself, and is generally a recluse.

     I don't know if I actually fit the public opinion of an "emo" girl since I adore wearing black, but my parents forbid me from having an all-black wardrobe. They usually make me buy pink and brightly colored clothes. Of course I wear them or else that would be a waste. Typically, I wear black with the occasional...color. I mean like now, I'm wearing a black t-shirt and light blue jeans. I do wish my whole wardrobe was black though. Then I could just fade into the darkness and disappear.

      My taste in music...is rather varied. I like hard rock and rock but my opinion on metal is neutral. Occasionally I blast it to just tone everything out, stop the noises in the world for just a few minutes. The pounding of the drums, the loud noises, the screams, just help me block everything, stop my thoughts and let me rest. 

      Do I cut myself? Yeah. Am I proud of it? Not really. Am I going to stop? I don't know. I cut to stop the pain. Isn't that contradictory? I do not want to die. Not yet, not now. I don't display my scars. No one actually knows I do it. They have slight suspicions but no one really sees them as what they are. Some days, I just want to bleed. I just want it to flow out into the open and then disappear. Maybe something will happen. Maybe everything will be better. It never is though. I say I am not going to do it ever again, and I do it. 

      However...a recluse, that I am not. Everyone sees me as the bubbly girl, the one who is hyper and crazy and always happy. Happy. That is what they see. I smile because it is really pointless crying in front of people. They want some one who is happy. Who wants some one who is sad and mopey? No one right? I am waiting for some one to look at me and tell me to stop faking my smiles. I want some one to reject my smiles for once and not accept them as who I am. Isn't that stupid, waiting for some one to stop something I'm doing myself? Waiting for no one.

      My brother likes calling me emo as a joke. I'm always wearing a huge hoodie and I like black. He says I'm the emo freak. Am I? What is "emo" really? I have absolutely no idea and I'm asking these questions to empty cyberspace. Isn't that sad?