Do you ever have those favorite songs?

     No matter how bad of a mood I am, I just need to listen to one song, just one song, and I cannot help but smile and feel happy for three minutes that it lasts. Then I just feel an even greater emptiness. Isn't that just pathetic? Its one of my friend's ringtones. Actually, I can't really call him a friend, more like an acquaintance. I'm horrendously attached to him and it is just horrible. I don't LIKE him. The one I like is his roommate. Why am I attached to him though? I only knew him for like what, a month? Now I just cannot wait to see him again whether it takes a month or a year. I want to see him and I want to feel safe. It is such a stupid feeling. I really don't understand it at all. He's five years older than me for frick's sake. He is a senior in college and I think about him every night and every day. I like HIM not this senior in college. I need to cling onto this belief. I need this to be affirmed and made clear. I don't want to live in this doubt and confusion. Hormones.... I really don't understand them at all. 

     His college is just thirty minutes car ride from my place. However, we barely know each other. I talk to him online occasionally. That is why I hate this feeling. I'm attached to a guy I BARELY KNOW. He likes sci-fi, he's insanely smart, he was the first person who invited to play an arcade game. I played my first racing game and shooting game with him. We played basketball at one of those weird arcade game hoops. Weird, yeah, but I couldn't help but laugh the whole time. 

     The guy I like is not him. I like his roommate, even if I never see that roommate again. I like him, he's the one who I have a crush on. Is it stupid arguing with myself? Ha. I'm such an idiot. His roommate, I'll call him Zane... Every time I hear his name I have stupid grin on my face and I hide my face because it's just so stupid. I see his picture and he makes me happy. Last time I saw him, he protected me and helped me every second. He's four years older than me. I'm a sixteen year old girl crushing on a twenty year old. Aren't I just stupid? Hormones.... I really don't get them.

     For now, I'll just listen to this song over and over again on repeat. Hear the rhythm and feel myself drowning in it.

"我面无表情看孤独的风景 

I watch the lonely scenery with an expressionless face

失去你　爱恨开始分明 

Having lost you, love and hate becomes clear

失去你　还有什么事好关心 

Having lost you, is there anything left to care about?" ~夜曲 Nocturne by 周杰倫