I'm talking to my best friend and he's just glowing with his future, his life, and what he wants. I shouldn't but I cannot help but envy him. He knows what he wants. His philosophy: If I'm interested in it, I'm going to do what I can to learn about it. I envy that. I don't know what I want. I have thoughts about "I like..." but I have never had a real goal in mind. I have never pursued my likings. On the other hand, my friend (let's call him Nero), knows what he wants to do and knows about that topic in depth. He knows what college he wants, what he wants to major in, and where he wants to work. I cannot help but feel sad when I comment, "u are so freaking awesome." He wants to learn about computer security, learn how to guard against hackers. He has knowledge of criminal hackers and their techniques. He is my age and so different from me.
What do I want to do? He asked me and I had no answer. My parents have always put down my requirements. What I learn, what classes I take, what books I read were all decided when I was small. Now they give me a choice, now I have choices. I don't what to choose. It is so...hard to decide and I hate this. Why can't I want something and strive for it like Nero? I'm interested in International Affairs. I'm learning German right now as a self study. I can't tell my parents though because if I do it'll just feel like I'm doing it for them all over again. I don't even know what people who major in International Affairs do. I don't even know how and when I'm ever going to use German. I just want to do something to pass the time. I'm such an idiot huh? College is only a couple years ahead of me. Life and the future... What does it mean?
“You’re only competing with yourself in this life… so if something blocks the path to your future, you just have to make another path around it because the end is still a long way ahead.” ~X-Days
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